Or at least, it would be if someone could crank out a bitchin' metal version of this, and we could get the good people at Fucking Machines to film the video, and lots of donations to pay the licensing fees, and so on and so forth. But anyways, on to lyrics! Song is by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig, who's link I'm throwing in here a few times, 'cause, well, fuck, this r00lz.

Artificial Means

Words and Music by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig

Music ASCAP & Happy Valley Music BMI

Copyright 1986, Palindrome Records, Philo

Oh Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,

But not in bed.

Oh, They tried takin' drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,

But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead.

'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique

She bought a long cylindrical thing

Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not

Every night you can hear him sing

He says "Our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine

Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cause our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

( okay this is a singalong for anybody who might have problems in

the Boudoire. Don't be shy )

Oh Johnny went down to the barroom

He bought one drink he bought two he bought three

Oh he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life

Bartender said "hey bud, just listen to me"

So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique

He bought a plastic blow up doll

Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not,

She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled

She says "our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

You've grown emotionally attached to that polyethelene

Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cuz our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

( that was great singing, I could hear you )

Wires (wires),

switches (switches),

batteries (batteries),

plastic (plastic),

tufts of artificial hair

who'd ever think they could replace the love (Love?)

Humans used to share (humans used to, humans used to

humans used to, humans used to)

Then one fateful day, those batteries died

At the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak (hissssssssssssss)

Johnny looked a Janie, looked at Johnny, looked at Janie and they

Both found it difficult to speak

I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away

And fell in love all over again

But Johnny taped up that hissing woman

When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walk-man.

Because their love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

They've grown emotionally attached to these modern sex machines

Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cuz their love is being kept alive

Love is being kept alive

Love is being kept alive

By Artificial Means

Ok, wait a sec. I don't think I like the ending very much. 'cause everyone knows the robots are supposed to win. That's not sad. We've just evolved beyond the need for other people and now our machines are so full of awesome we just can't help ourselves.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

But even so.

Wires (wires),

switches (switches),

batteries (batteries),

plastic (plastic),

tufts of artificial hair

Sounds like a successful Friday night to me.