Worst Project Name Ever


Oh come the hell on. Like I could resist that shit. I was just as much of a Gwar fan as anyone else who's ever been 15 while Gwar has been around, and there ain't no way I'm gonna diss on the Sexecutioner.

Project Description (Or: Damn we love stealing)

The wonderful thing about running a network of sites is that if one site does something cool, there's a damn good chance another site can steal recycle content from another site, just changing one small thing, and making it look like a completely original, novel idea (for instance, the Gawker people are masters at this. Much better at it than I am, since they actually like, you know, make money doing it).

Deathbots just released the Open Source Gym project, which is a suite of applications targeting at making exercise equipment more fun, through generating infoporn from exercise sessions and controlling video games. However, here at Slashdong, we know what REALLY drives people. Which page in the NonPoly network has 100k+ hits? Huh? Damn motherfucking straight.

Anyways, here's the articles those dorks wrote:

Nibbles (The Snake Game, not the small bites) on an Exercise Bike

So, let's see... These boards (or hell, anything with a motor driver and a proper circuit or processor) can generate a PWM! And a PWM is all we need to...

How it works

Well, shit, I guess I kinda already said how it works. Oh well, no pain in redundancy.

Oh yeah, so the project materials needed now are:

  • Exercise bike
  • Circuit capable of generating PWM with at least 3.3v coming through it (We do not promote any certain board to do this. There are roughly a bazillion of them, go find one and learn how to do it yourself.)
  • Sex toy of your choice (Remember guys, this isn't just limited to dildos)

PWM! That wonderful control mechanism!

If you don't want to read the wikipedia link, here's a quick explanation. Pulse-Width Modulation is pretty self explanitory. You modulate the width of the pulse to a certain duty cycle. So, say you've got a 50% duty cycle, that means whatever you are sending power to will get it 50% of the time. That's it. You wanna know more, read wikipedia or go to deathbots (or wait until we post our teledildonics tutorial. We just hate repeating ourselves. Oh, and hypocrites. We hate hypocrites too.)

The Nibbles Game that deathbots put together is a good example of how this is going to work. In their game, the faster you pedal, the faster the snake goes. In our game, the faster you pedal, the faster the snake goes.


So, it's screen actuation versus physical actuation. Ours is much better though.

The velocity of the bike is controlled by magnets on the flywheel and their proximity to the hall sensor in the bike. The faster you pdeal, the more times the magnet passes the sensor, and the higher your encoder velocity reads.

PWM is usually a 2 byte signed value between -255 < x < 255. we really aren't interested in which direction we're going (unless you're using a dildo with leds embedded in it, in which case, if you send the pwm the wrong way, your leds arn't gonna light up, but we'll get to that in our led dildo tutorial, also coming soon!), so let's just deal with the positive side of the inequality here.

there's a good chance that the lower 50% of the pwm range ain't gonna do shit for your vibration motor. the power required to spin-up the motor usually pretty high since the weight is loaded on the motor. we'll have our software starting at 50% duty cycle or 255/2, which we'll just round to 127. therefore, the equation will be

127+(128.0*(float)((currentvelocity < topvelocity) ? (currentvelocity / topvelocity) : 1))

for all of you non-coders (but not non-math/logic people. if you can't do those, just look at the purdy pictures and laugh when we tell you to) out there, here's what's going on with that. we start out with 127, and then add some value between 0 and 128 to it. this value is calulated one of two ways. if we have some threshold velocity (i.e. topvelocity) we want to achieve to get the full pwm, and we havn't hit it yet, we calculate the quotient of that with our current velocity, which provides the scaling value for our pwm modifier. if we've exceeded the topvelocity, good for us! we just add in the full 128 and FUCKIN GIVE'R.

That's it! We've now got a simple encoder controlled PWM generator!

Why this will revolutionize exercise

Oh come on, isn't it fucking obvious already? If you got some nice, vibratey love every time you got on the exercise bike, wouldn't you exercise ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME? Hell yes you would!

Just imagine! Legions of fit, buff, ripped women! Armies of men getting stronger 3 minutes at a time with 2 hour breaks in the middle! LET THE REVOLUTION BEGIN!


Need proof?